Retrospective

Okay, so I left you kind of in a dramatic moment on that last post.  Ida went home on Thanksgiving morning.  Before we had known about her, we had plans to visit with Rob's family in Portland for the holiday weekend. After we found out Ida was going to be placed with us, we canceled those plans so we could just settle down at home and also be available for LeeAnn.  Since Ida wasn't going to be with us, we packed up our stuff and headed to Portland after all, and we left as fast as we could so we would be there in time for dinner.  That left us three and a half hours in the car to think about everything that had gone on.  I've spent a lot of my time since then stuck in that place in my head.  Here's what I've come up with:

1. In general, I am happy with how we conducted ourselves.  At almost every step of the process, we were really trying to keep Ida's needs at the forefront.  We didn't get overly possessive when LeeAnn was expressing her ambivalence - we recognized that it wasn't our place.  I'm really sad that I don't think I'm going to know what happens to Ida, but again - not really my place.  We were kind and open to LeeAnn the entire time, and when I look back, I know I feel a lot better about that than I would had we freaked out.

2.  Open adoption is definitely better than closed in this type of a situation.  It wasn't something where a baby was dropped off with us with no context and then taken away two days later.  We knew exactly where Ida was going and who she was going to.  This gave us a ton of peace of mind when she left.

3.  When negotiating the next open adoption agreement (assuming it all works out in the end), I've decided that I would handle the letters/pictures issue much differently.  At this point, I'm planning to try to come to an agreement where we commit to sending letters and pictures once every three months until the child is 12 and then once every six months or whatever the child wants to do, whichever is more, thereafter.  In addition, if the birth parents send us a letter and picture about themselves, we will respond in kind once per month.  I want to make it more of a dialogue.

4. Assuming I feel safe having the birth family in our home (and it's quite likely I will) I would be more assertive about having visits at our home instead of out in the community and I would have a definitive time-frame for visits.

5.  I'm happy with how we cared for Ida.  I love our cloth diapering system - even the cloth wipes, which sounded really weird to me but were *so* much better than the disposables.  They're so soft and warm coming out of the wipe warmer and you really only needed one, whereas I always used to use several disposables when I changed diapers as a nanny.  Our bottles also worked out really well. She was an exceptionally easy baby, but all of these things felt great.  It's actually what I miss the most.  When we got back from Portland, I washed all of the diapers and clothes, and we put away all of the things we had out to care for Ida.  While we were doing that, I felt really peaceful.  Once everything was clean and put away, I felt really sad.  That feeling has stuck with me.  I just want to take care of my baby.  And maybe Ida wasn't my baby, but she taught me how great it can feel to take care of your baby.

6.  Thoughts on other people's reactions (and if anyone who has said the ones I'm critical of is reading this, please don't take this personally - it's not directed towards anyone and I can't even remember everyone who has said these things, I just know they've been said!)

     a.  Upon the match - Lots of people were drilling us with questions about the legal process.  Adoptions (in Washington State) are inherently unstable for at least the first 48 hours, potentially a lot longer depending on the birth father's status.  The last thing someone who has just brought a baby home wants to deal with is questions about the relinquishment process or the default process.  Just be happy for them and offer excitement and support.  They have to manage their own worries about the relinquishment finalization, they can't really manage anyone else's.  It's part of the reason we didn't tell anyone that it was falling apart until it actually was officially fallen apart.  It might have been helpful to have family and friend support on the Wednesday afternoon we spent at the mall while LeeAnn was changing her mind back and forth, and that night when she sent the text that ended it all, but I just couldn't deal with anyone else feeling stressed about the situation, so it seemed better to just go it as a team of two.

     b.  If you know someone who has this happen to them, please make sure that anyone who you told about the adoption match is also told about the disruption.  I have been congratulated by all kinds of people who heard from others about the match.  Word obviously spread really, really fast that I had a baby at home.  Word has not gotten around nearly as fast that I didn't.  Help a girl out!!  Trying to tell people who are congratulating you that there's nothing to celebrate is really awkward.

     c.  Some people suggested that next time, we should just keep the whole match a secret until it's all final so we can avoid uncomfortable conversations.  First off, that's impossible.  We both have to take time off from work, our families certainly need to know, and our neighbors and friends might notice that we are suddenly carting around some noisy little 8 pound wriggly thing.  Second, it's really disrespectful to the process of adoption and marginalizes adoptive families.  Sure, going through a disruption was really hard, but we loved how much support, excitement, kindness, and compassion we received through the process.  How awful to go through it all alone, with no excitement that the baby was home with us, and no support when the disruption took place.  Finally, the adoption isn't actually final for months and months.  We are not keeping our new family member a secret for that long!!

     c.  Best reaction ever - when my friend Stephanie dropped off the gifts for Ida and some items she thought would be helpful.  It made me feel like we were "normal" and we were being treated like anyone else who had a baby.  We didn't have a baby shower, we didn't have visitors in a hospital room bringing us flowers and teddy bears, but we had a sweet little package on our front porch and that rocked.

On a sadder note, since Ida left, I feel like I don't have a sense of purpose anymore.  I have lost interest in things I used to be interested in.  To deal with this, I've lately been saying yes to every invitation that comes my way because I know I need to get out of the house and the only way I will is if someone is waiting for me out in the world.  Otherwise, I have holed up in our basement, where I watch television all day.  I go to work, but I'm super distracted and can't remember a lot of things that I should remember.  I'm sort of overcome.  Time will heal a lot of that, and I know that getting back out in the world doing things will help.  I know that we are back in the pool and I'm just dying for a screening email or call - just anything to let me know that the process is back on track.

As much as this has been a difficult situation, if I could go back and make it not happen, I wouldn't.  I loved being a mommy for the short time we had.  Those two nights were precious to me, and I like to think about them a lot.  I liked being able to test-drive some of the plans we had for parenting, and I liked learning that Rob and I really worked well as a team.  I'm probably going to be a bit off for a while, but in the end, it will all work out - everything somehow always does.

Ida Goes Home

Rob and I had been trading responsibilities back and forth at night and I was taking the 3:30 wake-up call, while he was taking the 7:30 one.  While sitting in the dark, rocking Ida while she drank her milk, I realized that I really enjoyed it.  I had expected the nighttime feedings to be really awful, but they were actually kind of sweet and peaceful.  After she finished eating, she went right back to sleep.

It still felt really strange to me that she slept as much as she did.  It wasn't anything like what I expected.  Instead of Ida keeping me up with her crying, I kept waking up wondering why she wasn't crying or wondering if maybe time was moving really slowly and she hadn't been sleeping very long after all.  She did wake up at 7:30 and Rob got up to take care of her.

I stayed in bed, but I kept hearing all kinds of noises.  We have a bottle warmer, so technically Rob should have been able to take a bottle out of the refrigerator, pop it in the bottle warmer, and press a button to heat it.  A couple minutes later, he'd be set to go.  But I kept hearing the microwave door open and shut and the buzzer going off.  Ida's hungry little cry was getting a little more urgent, so I decided to go out and see what was going on.  As I walked into the kitchen, I could see Rob with bottles and lids and nipples all over looking kind of frantic.  Meanwhile, Ida was lying on the floor of the kitchen, all wrapped up in her blanket.  "What are you doing?! And why is Ida on the floor?!" I asked.  It turned out that Rob hadn't been able to figure the bottle warmer out, so he had tried to microwave a bottle of milk but he had over-heated it so he had to try a new one.  When he went to test the milk's temperature, he didn't know where to put Ida and the floor seemed like a safer bet than the counter-top, where she might roll off.  I just happened to walk into the kitchen at the one moment when Ida was on the floor!  Poor Rob - trying so hard to be a good dad.

Ida went right back to bed after she was finished and she slept through until about ten o'clock.  Around that time, Maria called to tell us that she had to come get Ida.  We already knew that was going to happen, so it was not a surprise.  We understood.

Rob texted his family and told them that Ida was going back to LeeAnn, but that it was okay because we hadn't attached yet.  Not five minutes later I walked into the nursery and found him sobbing over Ida while he changed her diaper for the last time.  I took over for him and we did our best to make the morning as nice for Ida as we could.

A short time after Maria called me, LeeAnn called.  She hadn't spoken to Maria yet, so she told me that she was sorry about the text from the night before - she felt a lot better and wanted to go forward with the adoption.  I had to tell her that the agency wasn't going to let the adoption go forward.  She asked what we wanted, and I told her that we love Ida and would love to be her parents, but we didn't want to feel like we were stealing her from LeeAnn - we wanted to be in an open adoption with someone who actually wanted to be in one. I understood that it would be a really sad process, but there's sad and then there's the feeling that it's not the right decision.  I told her what Maria and Heather had told us about LeeAnn not talking the way birth parents who are actually going to complete an adoption plan talk.  She told me that she didn't realize that if she said she changed her mind we wouldn't be able to do the adoption and she wanted us to raise Ida.  Right about then, Maria called through on her call waiting, so she hung up with me and took Maria's call.

Moments later, Maria called to let us know that LeeAnn was very upset.  She had told Maria that she didn't want to parent Ida, and that she hadn't understood the agreement. Maria explained that LeeAnn had essentially revoked her consent numerous times, and that just upset LeeAnn more - she insisted she had not. Just before hanging up on her, LeeAnn asked Maria if she was going to try to force her to parent against her will.

We knew that Ida was going back to LeeAnn no matter what, but her reaction was really difficult to deal with.  It was hard to get Ida ready to go back to LeeAnn when LeeAnn was saying she didn't want to parent Ida and we so badly did want to parent her.  We went ahead and got her dressed and packed up, and Maria came to take her back.  It was really sad to put her in her car seat for the last time, buckling her up, and tucking her blanket around her.  I kept over-explaining what we had packed, when she had eaten, when her diaper would need to be changed.  And then we put her in the car, gave her a kiss, hugged Maria, and sobbed as we walked away.

I'll See You In the Morning

When we arrived home, I found a great little package my friend Stephanie left me on the front porch.  It had an adorable outfit (perfect for our Thanksgiving dinner plans at another friend's home), a swaddling blanket, a little lovey toy, and a small book.

We changed Ida into her jammies and I sat down with her and the book, I'll See You in the Morning.  Ida was so sweet.  She was lying on her back facing up at me and I was holding the book right under my eyes, facing her, so she could see the pictures but could also see me.  The book had great illustrations for young infants - there's lots of contrast between dark and light.  We read the book all the way through with just one little break in the middle.

At 9:42, my phone buzzed:

"Shannon and Rob, i dont think i can do this."

And that was that.

From Ida's book: I'll be here if you need me.  I'm only steps away.  So close your eyes and go to sleep and dream of a brand-new day.

The Chinese Restaurant

There are lots of things that happen in really random places when you're dealing with adoption and even in my line of work with foster care.  After we spent all that time waiting in the strip mall parking lot, we found ourselves pulling up to another strip mall.  With a car seat installed in the back seat of our car (so hopeful!) we pulled up to the Chinese restaurant where we were to be presented with our new daughter.  The restaurant wasn't one of those bustling, busy, cheerful restaurants with a nice Chinese family running the show.  It was the kind where the sign outside is halfway burned out and when you go inside you pass two booths stacked full of cleaning supplies and random clutter before you get to a table where anyone could actually sit.  The lights were making everyone look washed-out and tired.  In the back of the room were a few tables for large groups and that is where we found LeeAnn, Ida, LeeAnn's parents, and the adoption counselor, Heather.

LeeAnn's mom was obviously distraught.  Right off the bat, she came over and started pressuring LeeAnn about the visitation arrangements.  It was really awkward - we were trying to reassure LeeAnn's mom that visitation wasn't going to be a problem, but she wasn't really talking to us at all, she was mostly talking to LeeAnn.  Very quickly she became really emotional, packed up her things and left.  Her partner introduced himself to us, told us that he thought LeeAnn was making the right decision but that it was hard on the family. Then he went after LeeAnn's mom.

LeeAnn subsequently followed them both outside, where her mom was crying and the adoption counselor was trying to manage the situation.  That left us with Ida and LeeAnn's dad, who was downing a few Labatt's (can't blame the guy!) and telling us that LeeAnn *had* to do this, that there was no way she was going to be able to handle Ida on her own.  He had been LeeAnn's primary parent from the time she was seven, but he was going to be leaving soon to move across the country and he kept repeating that he wasn't going to parent another child - that he had already done his work.

This was all very awkward.  Meanwhile, a woman at the table behind us saw me holding Ida and asked how old she was.  I replied, "Three weeks," and she said, "Aww! Congratulations!"  I couldn't think of what to say to that and the first thing out of my mouth was, "Uh, not yet."  Strangest response ever, Shan.  Way to go.

And there we sat under the fluorescent lights, waiting to see what was going to happen next but really just wanting to pack up little Ida and take her home.

Heather eventually rejoined us and asked LeeAnn if she wanted to set up a meeting for the next afternoon to visit with Ida and go through the open adoption agreement.  LeeAnn, whose mother was concerned she wasn't going to get the visitation we had promised, responded that she would rather hash out the open adoption agreement terms right then.  It was getting really late, but I think no one felt like it would be fair to LeeAnn to refuse.  Heather pulled out all the paperwork and we started going through it.

Negotiating an open adoption agreement is harder than I thought it would be.  Heather was deferring to LeeAnn about the terms, but LeeAnn didn't really have a frame of reference to know what was typical for contact provisions.  For example, it's really normal for people to agree to send photos and letters throughout the year.  When you're in the foster care system and the whole process isn't exactly voluntary, the adoptive parents usually agree to some small amount - once or twice per year.  I imagine in private adoptions it is more, but I don't even really know if there's a "normal" or not.  LeeAnn ended up asking for something like 12 per month.  I got kind of freaked out (in Washington, open adoption agreements are legally binding - you have to take them seriously).  LeeAnn ended up pulling it back to seven per month for the first two years and I was hoping it was going to go down for the following three to four years - as Ida got older, she would be changing less quickly and fewer letters and photos would be necessary.  However, when I asked that we reduce from seven per month to five per month at age three, LeeAnn burst into tears.  I felt *horrible*.  I tried to kind of hug her and tell her everything was going to be okay and that she was going to be able to visit all the time so she wasn't going to need that many letters and pictures - she could take her own! But she was not consoled at all.  Finally, I just turned to Heather and said, "Just put it back to seven."

Heather then tried to turn to the visitation provisions.  On the one hand, this was a good move because we wanted to offer a lot of visitation to LeeAnn.  On the other, LeeAnn was just kind of done at that point and said she wanted to go home and meet again the next day to do the rest of the agreement.  So, at about 9:15 pm, with the employees of the restaurant trying to clean up and shut down around us, we packed up our things, changed Ida's diaper, and loaded her into the car.  LeeAnn gave Ida cuddles right before closing the car door, but was standing by her father's truck starting to cry as we pulled away.

No one should ever try to tell me as a blanket statement that birth parents who make adoption plans don't care about their kids.

Ida and LeeAnn

On November 16, 2012, I was finishing up a day at work when I received a screening email.  There was a two week old baby girl and the mother was considering adoption.  The mother, LeeAnn, had named the baby Ida (okay, fake names this time around) and wanted her to keep that name.  She wanted to be able to meet the potential adoptive parents and see their home.

After Rob and I called and talked to the agency to clear up a few questions (mainly, "Is LeeAnn nice and pleasant to be around?") we decided we would definitely like to be considered.  We let the agency know and went to bed.

The next morning (Saturday) we received a call around 10:30 am saying that LeeAnn had been presented with eight families and that she had zoned in on our materials right away.  We had some scrapbook elements on our collage pages that were meaningful to her, she liked how our house looked neat and clean, she thought we looked happy and fun, and she liked how educated we were.  She wanted to meet that day.  Rob scrambled to get his work done and get coverage for the later part of his shift, and then we went to the agency to meet LeeAnn.

Normally at these initial meetings, there's no baby involved.  It's rare to have a baby placed at two weeks old.  However, LeeAnn wanted to bring both her mom and her dad to the meeting and that didn't leave anyone to take care of Ida.  So, the whole family, including Ida, came to the meeting.

We spent about two hours at the agency office with LeeAnn kind of firing questions at us.  You could tell she really wanted to make a good decision about her baby and wanted to feel like she had a good grasp of who we were and whether we'd be a good fit.  After that initial meeting, it was decided we would all go to our house so that LeeAnn could see it - it was really important to her to be able to see the home where the baby would live.

It was really strange and nerve-racking  to show LeeAnn and her family around.  Rob and I love our home, but when you put it up against other people in the waiting parent pool, I am sure it seems very small.  We are pretty careful with our financial planning, and one of the decisions we made was to start off with a smaller, very affordable home.  The plan is to pay it off within 15 years and then use it as a rental while moving someplace bigger or even just stay living in it and get a bigger vacation home maybe on Whidbey Island.  Those plans all sound great to us, but when someone is walking around your house assessing whether or not it is good enough for their baby, it's really hard to feel like our little home is good enough!

At the end of the home visit, LeeAnn asked me to hold Ida, which I had not yet done.  She wanted to see if Ida would like me.  Now, keep in mind that Ida was just over two weeks old.  She doesn't really like much outside of some yummy milk, a dry diaper, and some sweet cuddles yet!  It was scary to take her into my arms and I kept thinking, "Just don't cry!!  Don't cry!"  She didn't cry.

On Sunday and Monday the agency was in contact to tell us that LeeAnn had gone home Saturday excited about us as parents for Ida and liking our home, but ultimately woke up on Sunday morning and decided she didn't want to make an adoption plan.  She wanted to parent.  There was still some ambivalence and back-and-forth going on, but we were pretty sure it wasn't going to work out, so I headed off to work on Monday.

On Tuesday, around lunchtime, the agency counselor called again.  LeeAnn had changed her mind again, had signed the relinquishment, and we needed to go to her neighborhood to pick up Ida that afternoon.  We were thrilled!  We ran out to get a car seat, called my office to let them know what was going on, and headed to LeeAnn's neighborhood.  When we got there, they weren't quite ready for us, so we sat in the parking lot of a Ross Dress for Less while waiting for the call to go pick up the baby.

Hours passed, but we finally received the call around 6:00 pm.  We needed to go to a nearby Chinese restaurant to meet up with everyone and that is where we would pick up Ida.