The Chinese Restaurant

There are lots of things that happen in really random places when you're dealing with adoption and even in my line of work with foster care.  After we spent all that time waiting in the strip mall parking lot, we found ourselves pulling up to another strip mall.  With a car seat installed in the back seat of our car (so hopeful!) we pulled up to the Chinese restaurant where we were to be presented with our new daughter.  The restaurant wasn't one of those bustling, busy, cheerful restaurants with a nice Chinese family running the show.  It was the kind where the sign outside is halfway burned out and when you go inside you pass two booths stacked full of cleaning supplies and random clutter before you get to a table where anyone could actually sit.  The lights were making everyone look washed-out and tired.  In the back of the room were a few tables for large groups and that is where we found LeeAnn, Ida, LeeAnn's parents, and the adoption counselor, Heather.

LeeAnn's mom was obviously distraught.  Right off the bat, she came over and started pressuring LeeAnn about the visitation arrangements.  It was really awkward - we were trying to reassure LeeAnn's mom that visitation wasn't going to be a problem, but she wasn't really talking to us at all, she was mostly talking to LeeAnn.  Very quickly she became really emotional, packed up her things and left.  Her partner introduced himself to us, told us that he thought LeeAnn was making the right decision but that it was hard on the family. Then he went after LeeAnn's mom.

LeeAnn subsequently followed them both outside, where her mom was crying and the adoption counselor was trying to manage the situation.  That left us with Ida and LeeAnn's dad, who was downing a few Labatt's (can't blame the guy!) and telling us that LeeAnn *had* to do this, that there was no way she was going to be able to handle Ida on her own.  He had been LeeAnn's primary parent from the time she was seven, but he was going to be leaving soon to move across the country and he kept repeating that he wasn't going to parent another child - that he had already done his work.

This was all very awkward.  Meanwhile, a woman at the table behind us saw me holding Ida and asked how old she was.  I replied, "Three weeks," and she said, "Aww! Congratulations!"  I couldn't think of what to say to that and the first thing out of my mouth was, "Uh, not yet."  Strangest response ever, Shan.  Way to go.

And there we sat under the fluorescent lights, waiting to see what was going to happen next but really just wanting to pack up little Ida and take her home.

Heather eventually rejoined us and asked LeeAnn if she wanted to set up a meeting for the next afternoon to visit with Ida and go through the open adoption agreement.  LeeAnn, whose mother was concerned she wasn't going to get the visitation we had promised, responded that she would rather hash out the open adoption agreement terms right then.  It was getting really late, but I think no one felt like it would be fair to LeeAnn to refuse.  Heather pulled out all the paperwork and we started going through it.

Negotiating an open adoption agreement is harder than I thought it would be.  Heather was deferring to LeeAnn about the terms, but LeeAnn didn't really have a frame of reference to know what was typical for contact provisions.  For example, it's really normal for people to agree to send photos and letters throughout the year.  When you're in the foster care system and the whole process isn't exactly voluntary, the adoptive parents usually agree to some small amount - once or twice per year.  I imagine in private adoptions it is more, but I don't even really know if there's a "normal" or not.  LeeAnn ended up asking for something like 12 per month.  I got kind of freaked out (in Washington, open adoption agreements are legally binding - you have to take them seriously).  LeeAnn ended up pulling it back to seven per month for the first two years and I was hoping it was going to go down for the following three to four years - as Ida got older, she would be changing less quickly and fewer letters and photos would be necessary.  However, when I asked that we reduce from seven per month to five per month at age three, LeeAnn burst into tears.  I felt *horrible*.  I tried to kind of hug her and tell her everything was going to be okay and that she was going to be able to visit all the time so she wasn't going to need that many letters and pictures - she could take her own! But she was not consoled at all.  Finally, I just turned to Heather and said, "Just put it back to seven."

Heather then tried to turn to the visitation provisions.  On the one hand, this was a good move because we wanted to offer a lot of visitation to LeeAnn.  On the other, LeeAnn was just kind of done at that point and said she wanted to go home and meet again the next day to do the rest of the agreement.  So, at about 9:15 pm, with the employees of the restaurant trying to clean up and shut down around us, we packed up our things, changed Ida's diaper, and loaded her into the car.  LeeAnn gave Ida cuddles right before closing the car door, but was standing by her father's truck starting to cry as we pulled away.

No one should ever try to tell me as a blanket statement that birth parents who make adoption plans don't care about their kids.